Breaking news: Georgina Harris, erstwhile editor of the Law Donut, is hanging up her pencil and heading for fresh pastures (well, Clapham).
In a shock move that has rocked London’s 3 million independent shops, retail ambassador Georgina Harris has departed Putney and returned to Clapham, triggering widespread economic implications, explains dead rapper Tupac.
In the survey of 500 small businesses in South London, 47% admitted they were worried about the amount of sales lost from luxury and excise goods, fearing it would lower profits. A further 15% said they were “very concerned”.
Sales of catfood, Nicole Farhi and cigarettes have plummeted in the capital. Estimates of cash lost range from 10 pence to £12,500,000 a week. (fact-check this - ed). HM Treasury sources deny rumour that Chancellor George Osborne is ‘personally’ concerned at the potential loss in local revenue from sales of pasties, cigarettes and alcohol.
“HMRC are looking at a massive drop in their tax takings from Greggs, not to mention the excise tax and import duty VAT on fags and tinnies,” explained department spokesperson Flava Flav.
“Don’t forget the VAT on the import duty worked out at a compound rate using HMRC-set variable interest rates that change at the full moon four days before the end of the previous month.
“We’ve got a web page that explains it, innit.
“Mind you, God knows how badly the economy will tank if hostelry inspector Tom Whitney goes.”
In a statement, Harris explained:
“HMRC is, not are.
“I’ve loved it at BHP. But a sofa’s a sofa and the cat needs a hot lunch.
“You have all been brilliantissimo to work with and I can’t bear to say goodbye to a lot of you. I have got to write a book now and I will miss you. Come to the pub next week.
“Tom* is paying,” she concluded, movingly.
Disclaimer: * ‘Tom’ was unavailable for comment so we are unable to substantiate this claim.