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Blog posts tagged employment
The Lawyer’s Guide to Skiving
August 15, 2011
What you need to know before that croaky phone call….
Michael Scutt
Eskimos have, it is said, 200 words to describe the different types of snow. The British have a similar number to describe not going to work: pulling a sickie, swinging the lead, bunking off, having a duvet day, as well as the plain vanilla description: skiving. I mustn’t forget my wife’s personal favourite: business development. Our creativity for thinking up euphemisms for taking unauthorised time off work is matched only by our propensity for bizarre excuses to explain unauthorised absence.
A recent Price Waterhouse survey of 1,190 people reported one in three people admitted to having lied to take sick leave, costing British business up to £32 billion a year. Most people skived off because they were bored or depressed. In many cases they didn’t see it as being dishonest because they thought they were owed it by their employer for having worked hard. For 21 per cent of respondents, family was the real reason behind pretending to be ill, emphasising the importance of flexible work practices as a means of reducing absenteeism.
Illness was the most common excuse given and some people admitted faking symptoms around the office in preparation for pulling a sickie. It reminds me of a friend’s father (now sadly deceased) who would, every now and then, get a flare up of the “old malaria” and have to take a couple of days off, much to the bemusement of his employers in St Albans (he had, of course, contracted malaria whilst in the Army on duty in the Far East during the War and, apparently, it does recur every now and then). If I remember correctly (and probably not, because my memory isn’t what it was these days) Bridget Jones’ method for taking a sickie was to announce she had an appointment with her gynaecologist. That ensured no further questions would be forthcoming from her, male, boss.
On the subject of dodgy memory, my favourite excuse in the report was given by the person who claimed amnesia as an excuse for not attending work; what, they forgot where they worked? Or that it was a weekday and they had to get up? A close contender was the man who said he had to take his dog to the vet, having previously told his employer the previous week that it had died. Other excuses included having being hit with a dart in the back of the head (sounds quite nasty, actually), injury during sex and someone who said their dentist had diagnosed early signs of dementia “in their gums”.
If you’re thinking of pulling a sickie but can’t think of any good excuse then, never fear, there’s an app called, appropriately enough, “skiver” to help. You put in how many days you want off and it will come up with an appropriate and plausible sounding ailment and list of symptoms to cover you. Fancy one day off? Have a migraine. A week? Try a dose of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Six months? Bubonic plague, perhaps? Helpfully the app will also generate an email or text to your boss so you don’t have to break the bad news, which might be embarrassing if you’re phoning from the pub. We’re not told how sophisticated the messages are but I hope it doesn’t say “I am suffering from housemaid’s knee today and won’t be in. Signed My Mum”.
Employees should also beware the schoolboy error made by one Kyle Doyle in Australia a few years ago. He was man enough to phone his boss to say he was unwell and then updated his Facebook status to read “is not going to work. Fxxx it, still trashed. Sickie woo!!!” whilst forgetting that his boss was one of his friends on Facebook. Silly. Unemployment followed.
Employers - don’t despair. There’s an anti-skiving app for you called Crystal Ball. It is designed to cut down skiving amongst non-office based workers by tracking them via the GPS on their mobile phones whilst out and about. Ostensibly the idea is to keep a watch on expenses and mileage claimed, but the wider use for it is clear.
Deal with real problems at work - do you feel old?
March 16, 2011
Georgina Harris explains how to cope (in nice big type)
There comes a time in every working life when the creeping realisation dawns that you are no longer the newbie flush with promise, the gilded youth sparkling at clients, or the one with the worst hangover, and you know in your soul that you are Not That Young Any More. Makes those bones ache a bit, eh?
As much a rite of passage as passing exams or filling in start-up forms, your new state is characterised by being nameless – ‘middle-aged’ cannot yet be used as that is your parents, surely - and a subterranean, fervent urge for action.
Which is where the trouble starts. A mid-life crisis at work these days is more shaming than announcing I Used to Be a Woman in the Gents’. We’ve all seen it – the wincing car crash of the exec with three kids who picks the two-seater Clarkson likes, the accountant who lives the 80s – again - with leather pelmets that stick her to the swivel chair, ponytail flailing as everyone leaves the meeting. The ipad you accidentally call a Walkman. That “interesting” tie. Jaunty shoes. Like, you could lose all your colleagues’ respect? Your clients will soooo laugh. Or be kind, meh.
Time to sort things out. I am thrilled to announce that, unlike most of your daily problems, the solution to this issue is Do Absolutely Nothing. But, if you want to get away with this idleness, you must, silently, Thank The Law. Consider this:
Dave Cameron is your bruv, guy. From 6 April 2011, employers will no longer be able to retire anyone using the Default Retirement Age (DRA). This means they can’t sack you for wearing coloured deck shoes on Fridays any more.- Well, until you go senile or terrify Kylie the Work Experience when you climb a ladder. However, the national debt is so unimaginably, cosmically vast that we will all be working till we are 100 anyway. Thank Dr Brian Cox, sorry, Mr Fred Goodwin, for this, not fresh-faced Cleggeron. (Young people don’t know much anyway.)
- Where you see peculiar hair growth in the mirror, other people see experience and skills. Your clients are paying for this – they honestly like it. You can charge for those wrinkles – do so. Remember that people aged 50-64 have spent on average 13.7 years in their current job, which is impressive. (Possibly more impressively, brow threading is now acceptable for both sexes and available inexpensively nationwide.)
- No one expects you to be, or look, young. Self-employment, for instance, is more common amongst those aged 50-64 compared to younger workers – 18 per cent of workers in this age bracket are self employed compared to a scanty four per cent of the 16-24 year olds.
While crimes against fashion aren’t illegal, being rude about coffin-dodgers at work is. Anyone over 35 – or with a keen interest in 80s music – can rest assured that they are protected by law from sartorial slights, and more to the point, protected as part of an increasingly huge majority. Although the media does nothing but feature those of poreless skin, the UK isn’t a young country; more over 50s are in work than people aged 16-24. Get in! Parade those coloured shoes with pride.
Georgina Harris, Law Donut editor (and wearer of a nice comfy cardi)
April fool - are you on top of new law at work?
March 16, 2011
Big changes to business tax and employment rules become law in spring and autumn. Use our checklist to make sure your business is on top of the new rules:
1 April
Corporation Tax falls to 27 per cent and the Small Profits rate drops from 21 to 20 per cent. You must now submit your Company tax online and pay all the tax due under it electronically through HMRC’s online services.
3 April
Additional paternity leave : most working fathers gain the right to additional paternity leave and pay. Your employee(s) will only be able to start the leave 20 or more weeks after the child's birth (which should be after 3 April) and he must give you eight weeks’ notice.
Unless you have a contract that says otherwise, you only have to pay your employee(s) additional statutory paternity pay during the time his partner would otherwise be receiving statutory maternity or adoption pay, or maternity allowance. You will need a declaration saying the employee is taking the leave for childcare and a statement from the mother.
Proposed flexible working for parents of 17 year olds withdrawn
Initially due on 5 April 2011, employers should note that the proposed extension of the right to request flexible working to the parents of 17 year olds has been withdrawn.
6 April
Tie-breakers when recruiting : you can use positive action as a tie-breaker when hiring staff, but only in pretty limited circumstances. If you think someone affected by a certain type of characteristic – such as their age, disability, race or sex - could be suffering as a result or is underrepresented in your firm, you can choose them over another equal candidate.
But positive discrimination remains unlawful, as do your chances of getting two entirely equal candidates, so you may wish to steer clear of this new power.
Retiring staff: as from today, you can’t. Our guide shows you what to do instead.
Georgina Harris, Law Donut editor
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